Next Move

We all start from somewhere or from a particular time in our life.

It’s new year again. For some people, it’s the best way to embrace a new beginning. For others, it’s just another ordinary change of the number. And in this case, the last digit of the year. But still, a sign of change.

I have been contemplating on what is 2013 for me. I know I need to find a job soon. I need to check a new place to stay. I need to live alone again. I need to reassess so many things.  I need to set my new priorities. I need to reconsider the year ender changes that caught me off guard before welcoming this new year. Yes, I need and not want. And before I forget, I also need to discern the value and the difference of what I need and what I want.

It was a blessed 2012. I want to start 2013 the best way possible. Figuring out what the first baby step I am going to take this year will not be easy but I am hopeful. I won’t be singing I Dreamed A Dream anymore instead I will dance with I Will Survive.

To so many like me in the world right now who are about to take a big leap this year, let us remind ourselves that whatever the outcome, we should assure ourselves that we will enjoy the process.  If we fail, then that’s the perfect way to learn new ways to improve ourselves. If we succeed, let’s not stick with the formula of success instead let’s start discovering the roads to go beyond the success we attained.

-jag

CROSSING THE LINES

We all reach that stage in life when we have to or we need to go across the border. We are sometimes left with few options. We either move towards the line and cross it or get stuck in our present position, situation. We are entitled with time to decide but a limitation or scarcity of time is always possible. It’s tricky. The fact that we don’t know what’s beyond those lines, we get frightened. We develop a sense of fear. Sometimes, we succumbed to fear. Only when we overcome fear , we could manage to walk and leap across those lines.

What we want to become in the future is one of those crossing the line moments. And many of us want to become somebody, not just anybody. From obscure anonymity to a respected and recognized individual, some have already made it. I once thought that reaching beyond those lines is the ultimate goal of life. Maybe becoming successful is the track I’m following. Then I realized, it is not supposedly my main goal. It is those stops, qualms, apprehensions, even comfort and safety where I should focus. It is those steps we hold and take before and after the lines that should give us the real essence of working towards a goal no matter what’s really waiting for us out there.

I’ve crossed the various lines in my life. I’ve been to somewhere and nowhere. I got stuck in situations I thought I could handle and stepped forward unaware of what would really happen next. I’ve come to realize that lines are only lines, crossing them , the process, the experience is the defining moment because it reflects who we really are as a person. We are the ones who did not just test the water, we dive in the water until we drown ourselves with the things that matter so much to us. And we go against the current not just to survive but to give ourselves wisdom for our lifetime.

Maintaining the Big H…

When you look at the mirror and proudly shout to the world that you’re on a cloud nine, I’m sure the universe conspired to bring you there. When you’re happy, you don’t really need to ask yourself why you’re happy. It’s like being in love, no more questions should be asked. Unless if you’re a hardcore cynic whose everyday life is patterned on an hourly basis of capitalizing the word WHY with a bold question mark. There’s so much ways to learn and feel happiness. Let’s stop saying it’s only a mindset. It should be a mindset and a feeling where the power of the mind works harder than the feeling, the emotion. Or sometimes, it could be the other way around.

Happiness has been defined by so many ways. I could set mine by saying happiness is when I’ve found a leaf in my window wiped away by the wind and it’s freely flying somewhere. Happiness could be that I accidentally tripped on the road and so ashamed of myself even I know that no one was even watching me. Or I forgot to put cooking oil when frying an egg. It’s true, simple things magnify different faces of happiness that could define our day.

The only thing that bothers us sometimes is sustaining our own happiness. Society has taught us that to be happy you need to be with someone, in particular, romantically linked with someone. Thus, maintaining your happiness in this form (if you’re one of those who define happiness this way) is through developing an imperfect but maturing connection with someone. Let’s get over it, no perfect relationship exists in the entire survival of humanity. Imperfect but maturing relationship is even harder to establish but it is definitely real, better than fiction.

For those who are single maintaining the big H is also a big deal especially if you’re rooting happiness from your daily experiences. (I think it’s much better to say single AND happy than ‘single BUT happy’ coz i think the latter only justifies people’s fear of being single.) You try to find ways to maintain happiness but never to the point that you’re occupied on thinking how to maintain it or where to find it. Let happiness flow and come naturally in every single second of your life. Dance with it. Inhale it. Seize it. Stick with it. Count on it. Don’t drop it. I’m pretty sure sooner or later, you don’t have to worry about losing it because not only you’ve experienced that happiness but also another form of happiness will keep you breathing.

It could even be brighter than the last light of happiness that made you glow.

CHANGES….

the inevitable… the constant.. and the dominant force that completes our life…

We deal with changes everyday. The sound of your alarm clock reminds you the constant movement of time. The clothes hanging in your closet gives you a new image of yourself for the day. Your road to work makes you realize that people from all walks of life, some your familiar with and some you don’t recognize remind you of change.

Sometimes we try to resist change. Who wants change when it means you have to say goodbye to someone temporarily or maybe forever? Who needs it when you have sacrificed everything just for other people’s happiness? Who dreamt of change when it will shatter all the things you were born to believe in?

But when we look at the other side of change, it simply means growth. It is the driving force behind all the success we attained, the experiences in life we cherished and the moments we kept called memories. Change whether it is a good thing for us or something that frightens us is always one of life’s surprises that will give us everyday something to look forward to.

The Agony of Identity

Identity is one of the most complicated, debated and discussed issues in our society. The real world setting helps us recognize our identity from the time we learned our names and the moment we had a glimpse of ourselves in the reflecting glass,the mirror. For some it might be the best scene of their life but for others, it would be a question of is this who i am? Although childhood is a process but the recognition of who we are from its first stage I think is possible. Take for example for the transgender children, I remember watching this entire 20/20 episode reported by Barbara Walters on ABC. A young biologically born boy wants to transform himself into a female. As early as his age (around 8 or 9 yrs old i think), he knows exactly what he wants to do for himself. His parents were so supportive but the society (the system that forces everyone to live with the norms) is judgmental, critical and even harsh… If a child knows his real identity from the beginning, then who are we to condemn him?! Knowing our identity from the early stage of our growth is the start of our real existence.

But not everyone could recognize their real identities as early as childhoood which is quite terrifying. This is because when someone becomes deeply blinded with the society’s norms and definitions of who is a guy and a gal, crisis awaits at the footsteps of your personal door. WHo would have thought that even people on their mid 20’s or even late thirty’s experience identity crisis? It is arguable that becoming a different person from your previous identity is caused by the environment. Sometimes, the idea of who you are is innate but you just did not realize it earlier since you were repressed from the beginning. You were never been asked what you wanted to wear, what you wanted to watch or what you wanted to do. You followed the normal cycle of life because awakening takes times, not years but a lifetime. You might have the idea of you don’t know who you are at the moment because you never even tried to figure it out.

Later in life, even you finally found the missing piece, the unknown part of yourself…you will still never stop to question the anonymous side of your world.

Existence is a process not an answer to your questions.

OF LOSING AND LETTING GO

There is so much space yet so crowded when you lose someone.

There is an overwhelming burst of emotions yet you’re too numb to feel any of them.

There are more sources of strength yet you can’t manage to beat your weaknesses.

There are so many blessings to be thankful for yet you remain defeated by pain.

There are people you can count on but you only think of one person.

There are hundreds of reasons to survive but you hold on to nothingness.

There are many chances to forget but you keep reminiscing bitter memories.

It’s time to Let go….

You’ve been given enough space to understand it’s going nowhere.

Your emotions are the signs for your personal renewal.

You live your life with courage then let it guide you all throughout your suffering.

You’re not just lucky but you’re blessed. Keep that in mind because you’ll never lose your blessings despite of what you’re going through.

You’ve been showered with love through the people around you so stay with them and leave behind the one who sets you free.

Your survival depends on you, your today and your future determine where you’re going after breaking yourself from the pain.

You go back to memory lane but forget those that hurt you but let them help you grow. Keep those that will make you smile again because it’s your starter to make a big step forward…..to the new life waiting for you and ready to welcome you. Have a safe journey back to life….and love.

DEAR JOHN

I just had my second movie house trip last night for this month. I went to watch Dear John with a good friend of mine after a long hour of talking, laughing and eating in Glorietta’s food court. I will try to be a film critic for a moment. This is already a warning. So to all Dear John fans, I will not ask your forgiveness. I will just quote Ma’am Steph’s comment before about ending up watching a film that we don’t like. She said “Maybe you’re not the target audience”. I’m guilty!

After going out of the movie house, I thought it was just an expensive nap. I didn’t literally take a nap while watching it but I did not get any affect from the film at all. I was trying to imagine before watching it that maybe I could relate to the story since my parents were like that after getting married. Well, during Saudi years of my father, it was not just snail mail but my mom would even send cassette tapes of our recorded voices. My brothers and I used to pretend that we were talking to our dad through those recordings. There were no facebook, skype or yahoo messengers back then.

But of course, there are maybe two scenes that I like in the movie, one was the moment with his dad inside the hospital and the hugging part in the end. Obviously, if a parent-child moment is part of a film, it’s a money shot. I mean it definitely captures the audience feelings. We all are children first and we also become parents. The hugging part gave me the realization that maybe it’s true that even though some people come and go, the world is still too small for everyone that we might just end up meeting these people again who already bid their goodbye to us. Our elders would always remind us that ‘huwag magsalita ng tapos’. I guess, they are right but it also depends on the situation too.

I was supposed to pretend that I’m a film critic but I can’t help appreciate how the film portrayed the life of people with autism. I was just bothered while watching the film because of the audience especially at my back who laughed so hard every time John’s father do something unusual. First word that struck me with their laughter is IGNORANCE. Ignorance that reflects how our society is still not well informed when it comes to understanding people with special needs. I don’t condemn or blame them it’s just that it is a sad state even alarming because many are still not educated with this particular reality that some of us have been suffering or experiencing for a long time. Well, remember the Cebu Pacific incident with special children, the crew even thought that those children have mental illness that they couldn’t board the same plane together. Imagine the humiliation that parents experienced because of some people’s ignorance and lack of understanding of their own company policies and of children with special needs. Pathetic!

I also think that we all stop using the word RETARDED when it comes to describing these people. It’s not just degrading but this word is too powerful that it could also hurt a lot of people especially those who sacrifice their lives, time, even their own happiness just to give them the normal life they deserve. When I was working with special children in London before, every end of my shift, I always ask myself, what if these special people are the ones who actually have the normal reality and we people who think that we are normal, are those living in the world we define for them….

AGING

I used to think that aging is a horrible experience. I remember a conversation about it with some friends not so long time ago. One friend shared that she’s afraid of this process because of so many reasons like wrinkles, the not so 20/20 vision and everything you can imagine that affects our corporeal existence.

Few months from now, I’m going to experience the natural process of adding one year in my present age. For the past years, months before my birthday I’ve had mixed feelings. I am either scared because I’m getting older or excited because it’s another chapter to explore. Remember, when we were young we always wanted to fast-forward the time because we dreamed of becoming adults. We were like trapped inside a child’s body and in our minds we were wandering in the world of a professional, a party animal or a married person. But now I am an adult, every time I see a toddler on the elevator or a student going to school, I always have those thoughts of ‘I wish I’m a child again or a student with all my daily allowances’. My dream before of a fast-forward time is not just happening but time is moving so quick that sometimes I feel that I can’t cope with it anymore.

I suddenly remember when I was working as an assistant in a school for special children in London, the entire class went on a one day camping trip. It was my first day. I was with three teachers and about seven teenagers with special needs. One was recovering from a traumatic experience, the other is a cancer survivor and others just need special support and attention. Everyone was so excited because of the wall climbing activity. Once the students started to climb the wall, we all showed our support by cheering at them, shouting that they could do it and expressing encouraging words to uplift their spirits. After the students, the teachers were dared to try it. But only one of them, a forty something woman took the challenge. I, myself, did not want to try it because I didn’t think that time that I was adventurous enough to try something like wall climbing. I was a loser during that day. So the teacher started to climb, everyone was in awe, shocked perhaps or even worried if she could actually do it. Surprisingly, she made it to the top.

After the trip, we all went back to school and everyone was starting to go home. It was a long walk for me.
I was walking towards the bus stop when I heard someone calling me. It was the teacher who climbed the wall. She offered me a lift. And we started a short conversation before she dropped me in the bus stop:

Mine2write: Ma’am, the students were surprised earlier that you actually took the challenge.
Teacher: I did not even realize I could actually do it.
Mine2write: But why did you try it anyway? I thought you were just joking.
Teacher: Bloody hell! (laughing) I’m forty something already and I thought, this could be my last adventure in life. So I tried. Besides love, THE OLDER WE GET, THE MORE WE BECOME AWARE OF OUR MORTALITY. Who knows, there’s no other wall climbing chance again.

I was on the bus and started to reflect what she said. She’s right. And maybe, aging is not a bad thing at all, it’s just one way of reminding us that we don’t hold our own time, it is only borrowed. So instead of lamenting about getting older, it’s better to celebrate the years that have passed and the wisdom that comes with it and also welcome the coming years knowing that we have new adventures in life to conquer.

P.S. I’m inspired to write again because of Ma’am Mac. I love reading your notes in FB ma’am.

WARNING: This is not a reminder that my birthday is approaching, it’s JUST A BLOG ENTRY. (laughing)

I’M NOT DREAMING OF A WHITE XMAS….

I used to think that Christmas is only about preparing food, exchanging gifts, attending Simbang Gabi, putting up lights and planning parties. Ooopss, i forgot the word shopping. Two years ago, it was my first time to celebrate Christmas abroad. It was sort of a white Christmas. (Heavy snow fall in England only started after new year during that time.)Many people have been dreaming to experience white Christmas. I was lucky to have one. But then, Christmas abroad is totally different from home. We never had Noche Buena.

During my first Christmas, I arrived at home almost 12 midnight coming from an evening part time job. Instead of saying the usual thank you to the bus driver that night, I said my Merry Christmas greetings. After getting off the bus, I remembered although it was bitterly freezing outside, I made the starry sky my own cinema screen. I was trying to create an image of Christmas in Pinas, my childhood memories. When I was a child, we used to have roast turkey at home since my grandparents used to have a small poultry. If we don’t have a whole lechon, we had the head of the pig with a red apple on its mouth. Coming from a Kapampangan family, we had kalamay, bico, alaya or suman in the table most of the time. Keso de bola was not part of our family tradition but we had ham given by some family friends. We usually had a Christmas tree with some small gifts under it. Shorts and shirts were the usual gifts I received from my aunts and uncles. I had few toys but those that you could just throw in the bin the next day. Hahah! Poor me! But I rejoiced when it was my time to open a gift. That child’s feelings of surprise, excitement and joy were definitely unforgettable. I wish I could be a child again. When I arrived at home, I felt a bit happy because of Christmas memories. I did my usual dinner routine. I put the food in the microwave, watched a movie and played some Christmas songs until I fell asleep.

My next Christmas wasn’t exactly similar because there was a bit of excitement knowing that the next year was my schedule to go home for a holiday. There was a party at my Lola’s house this time. She invited all her boarders and some family friends. We had videoke, some drinking, picture taking, laughter was everywhere, fun was the right word to describe the night. I did not miss Christmas at home that night only when Christmas day was approaching. It wasn’t easy going home from work every night imagining the lights in our streets in Pinas, the parties at work or with friends and neighbors, the usual visits to ninong and ninang or family reunions. Although Christmas is celebrated in London but I think it was more on ‘lets shop the whole day celebration then just eat outside with family or friends’. That’s it! I never felt the same essence of Christmas at home and Christmas there. It was totally different for me.

Now that I’m home, I still don’t have plans for Christmas. Since it’s my first time to live independently, I started getting busy of doing some other things. I might just travel again somewhere or go back to where I had my first glimpse of Christmas night. Although some relatives and friends are inviting me to celebrate Christmas with them, I still need to think about it. It’s not yet late to plan things. And I’m pretty sure this would be one of my best Christmas celebrations…

PANDESAL PO

I’m on a high! Well, I didn’t take any drugs. I’m a morning person so getting out of my bed at 7 in the morning gives me a different energy. I already have plans for today. The first plan was just a simple task of buying something I never had in London for two long years. After fixing my bed, washing my face and brushing my teeth, I took my first elevator ride. The mirror on the elevator gave me another look of myself. I was just wearing shorts and a plain gray shirt. I suddenly thought that when I was a teenager, I was so conscious about how I look that it took me more than an hour to fix myself until my school service arrived. I had a hard time fixing my wavy hair with a gel before. Haha! Knowing that I’m looking at myself in the present, I realized, the older I get, the more I’m comfortable of my image as a person, not just the physical image but my totality as an individual, a growing individual.

The elevator sound was music to my ears. It stopped on the 8th floor. An old lady holding a paper bag with a box of medicine came in. I started to wonder about her box of medicine. I was thinking that maybe she’s sick. Or she works in a pharmaceutical company, just my imagination. But I hope she’s feeling well and those medicines are just for emergency purposes.

I wanted to just fly so that I could reach the bakery shop immediately. It was my first task for today.

Joms: Manang, magkano po isang pandesal?
Manang: Dalawang piso.
Joms: Pabili po ng 30 pesos.

I couldn’t wait. I was even fidgeting because I wanted to hold that brown paper bag that bakeries usually use for pandesal.

Manang: Gusto niyo po ng plastic?
Joms: Ha? ANo po?

Pardon me, I was so excited while she was giving me the paper bag with hot pandesal that I didn’t understand every word she said. ☺ I hurriedly went to mini stop to buy a bottle of orange juice. While I was on my way to my unit, I took one pandesal and just hold it. I realized, when I was in elementary, this one piece would only cost everyone around 50 cents. Now, it’s a bit expensive especially for many of us who are on a tight budget everyday.

Back to the elevator, an old man joined me inside. He was reading PDI.

Joms: Gusto niyo po ng pandesal.
Manong only smiled and gave his ‘No, thanks’ hand signal.

The elevator stopped on the 10th floor where Manong got off and a deliveryman from Chowking got inside.

Joms: Pandesal po.
Chowking Man: Sige, Salamat. Kakakain ko lang.
Joms: Aga niyo po yatang nagdeliver?
Chowking Man: Morning delivery for breakfast kasi.

I nodded.

Then it was the last floor. While saying goodbye to manong from Chowking, I silently said THANK YOU because I have the best breakfast in the world today, not fast food but hot pandesal, only in the Philippines. ☺